The Queen's Lament
by reginadoesntdorum
Summary: "Spare me your pity," Emma watched as she lifted a hand to push her hair back. "I don't need you, or anyone else for that matter, telling me how utterly terrible my life is. I deserve it, don't I? Villains don't get happy endings, heroes do." Regina sloppily lifted a finger to point to Emma, "like you. But me?" She turned her hand to point at herself, "I'm anything but a hero."


**A/N:** This story is set after Emma and Henry have arrived back in Storybrooke in 3x12 and is rewritten from there.

Trigger Warning: please be aware that this one-shot contains a small discussion of disordered eating. Please do not read if you believe this topic will affect you in any way.

_'The people of the Enchanted Forest have been cursed, once again, and brought back to Storybrooke. Only one person remembers the past year, the person who cast the last curse, Regina Mills. After seeing Henry in the diner, Regina immediately leaves and returns to the mansion. Emma finds her three hours later crying, shaking and huddled on the bathroom floor.'_

* * *

The Queen's Lament

Emma heard something shatter to the ground.

She assumed it was just Ruby dropping another plate, she had a tendency to get a little distracted sometimes. But as the blonde turned to see what had happened, there she was. The woman who had given her everything she had every wanted, Regina Mills. The former mayor was frozen, her mouth was parted and her hands were positioned as if she was still holding the cup of coffee she had just dropped.

"O-Oh. I'm sorry, I—"

Regina took a small breath.

It almost looked like she was trying to keep herself from breaking apart, from completely breaking down right there and then. Emma had heard that Regina still had her memories, and that everyone believed she was – yet again – responsible for the second curse.

Regina's eyes started to water, but she forced herself to put on a front and blink her tears away. Before anyone could say something, she rattled out a quick "I didn't mean to startle you", before helplessly dropping her hands to rest by her sides.

"Oh, um," Henry shrugged, "that's okay." He turned back to Mary Margaret and David, mumbled "weird" and continued to ask about their knowledge of his absent father.

Before Emma considered the possibility of Henry being suspicious, she scrambled out of the booth and made her way over to her.

"Regina, we need to talk."

"No," she shook her head slightly, gaze transfixed on Henry.

Emma didn't want to take her answer, so she gently tugged on the brunette's arm, "c'mon."

"I said _no_," she hissed. Regina snatched her arm away and forced Emma to move aside as she fled from the diner.

That was when Emma knew. She didn't know why Regina was the only one – so far – who remembered the past year, but she was ninety-five per cent sure Regina hadn't cast the curse.

After eating breakfast and making sure Henry was comfortable spending the day with Mary Margaret and David, Emma headed over to Regina's house. She rang the doorbell a few times and even peered through one of the windows, before checking to see if the front door was open. It was. Emma let herself in and made her way upstairs, after checking every room downstairs.

As she made her way to the top of the stairs, she noticed that the bathroom door was ajar, so she pushed it open slowly.

Emma immediately noticed the stench of alcohol and vomit in the air, but didn't mind it that much. She could relate. She had been in that situation many times before, especially the months after she'd given Henry up.

"Hey," she whispered. It was almost inaudible, but she was sure Regina had heard her. She stood in the doorway and watched her.

Regina's back was pressed against the bathtub, but hunched over to accommodate the position she was sitting in. Her knees were against her chest, arms draped around her calves and she hid her face.

Emma didn't really want to stand over the woman and cause her to feel more uncomfortable than she already was, so she shut the door gently, slid down it and sat on the floor.

"This might be a stupid question—" Emma pushed her hair behind her ears and eyed the empty tumbler sat next to Regina.

"Well," Regina scoffed – her voice was muffled as she spoke. "It isn't often you ask an intellectual question, is it?"

"Regina, just… are you okay?"

"_You_," she slurred, "should learn to follow instruction." She kept her head down but tightened her grip on her calves, "I _told_ you I didn't want to talk."

"Well, I didn't want to risk finding out that you'd like—"

The air in the room thickened with tension and underlying awkwardness.

"I mean, I don't want you doing something stupid, y'know…?" Emma sighed, stopping herself from approaching the subject any further. She didn't know if Regina was that sort of person, but she definitely knew she was capable of a lot of things Emma wasn't even aware of. She lifted her hand to scratch the back of her neck, "I guess Mary Margaret and David didn't tell you that we were back then."

"Mm," she finally spoke up. "And you're surprised?"

"I don't know, maybe. A bit."

"Besides, you shouldn't pile the blame on your insufferable parents. _You_ should have had the decency of informing me yourself, Ms. Swan. It is you who came back, not them."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I am right, I'm _always_ right. I'm a very good judge of character; you should know that by now. I have been right about you from the very beginning."

"Here's the thing… yeah, it was a pretty shitty thing to do, but I had other things on my mi—"

"Save it."

Emma had to hand it to her. Regina may have been drunk, but she was still pretty damn good at constructing sentences and handling herself without any help.

"No," she bit back. "I was with my parents. I was trying to find out what happened, why and how you're all back here. I've been trying to help."

"A simple text wouldn't have killed you."

"I didn't know how to tell you Henry didn't have his memories back."

Regina threw her head up to stare right at Emma.

"And you believed it would be better for me to find out by seeing him and realising that he has no idea who I am?" She growled, jaw tight.

Regina's eyes were wide and bloodshot. Emma had noticed she had cried all of her make-up off – only a few streaks of watery mascara on her cheeks remained. Yet, she still managed to look so God damn beautiful.

"Look, yeah, I fucked up. You shouldn't have found out like that, but it's a complicated situation." She took a breath, "I know how hard—"

"Spare me your pity," Emma watched as she lifted a hand to push her hair back. "I don't need _you_, or anyone else for that matter, telling me how utterly terrible my life is. I deserve it, don't I? Villains don't get happy endings, heroes do." Regina sloppily lifted a finger to point to Emma, "like _you_. But me?" She turned her hand to point at herself, "_I'm_ anything but a hero."

Regina's eyes were sparkling with tears, and filled with determination to coerce Emma into believing she Regina didn't deserve Henry.

"So, leave me be," she swallowed, "or kill me."

"Kill you? What the hell are you talking about?" Emma moved closer to her, "seriously Regina, how much have you had to drink?"

"Ms. Swan, I do not believe that is any of your business, in the slightest way possible."

"Oh yeah? I kinda think it's my business, this whole thing is about our son and you're refusing to talk to me about anything that happened. I'm only trying to help. And you're drunk off your ass!" Emma sighed slightly, "look, I'm not gonna judge you. If you got drunk, that's fine. If you were sick, that's fine. Whatever. People get sick after drinking too much. You're not invincible, Regina, as much as you'd like to think you are. You're just a stubborn pain in the ass. You need to get up off the floor and go to bed. You're not gonna accomplish anything by sitting on the ground of your bathroom, when Henry still hasn't got his memories back! We need to fix this, and I can't do it without your help."

"I am _not_ drunk," Emma raised her eyebrows. "I'm not."

"You so are," she grinned very slightly. Regina's eyes flickered with annoyance and she turned her head away from Emma. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"I'm sure you _can_, but whether you _many times_ is another issue entirely."

"Awesome, I'll take that as a yes." Regina just rolled her eyes again, but Emma chose to ignore her, "did you puke?"

The brunette wrinkled her nose, "that has got to be the most repulsive word I've ever had the displeasure of hearing in this realm."

"Seriously? Just answer the damn question, Regina."

Regina smirked slightly and then pouted, leaning forward towards Emma. "Aw, is the Saviour getting frustrated?"

"Yeah, I am. I'm trying to help and you're just—" Emma shrugged slightly, "well you're just being yourself, aren't you?"

"What does it matter if I threw up?"

"Because I want to know whether you threw up naturally, or whether you made yourself sick."

Regina broke eye contact.

"If it was natural, you had waaaay too much. If it wasn't, then you clearly didn't want to be as drunk as you were. It's just a question."

Emma watched as Regina crossed her arms. The blonde had known Regina for quite a while, and she knew that whenever Regina reacted like this, she was feeling insecure. Something was up.

"Uh, you don't have to answer that, if you don't want to…?"

She began fidgeting with her hands, Emma looked down at them. Her knuckles were bright red, as if something had irritated them. She had made herself sick. There were a few fresh cuts, and a few old scars near them. Before the blonde could look any longer, Regina caught on to what she was looking at and tried to discreetly cover the back of her hand.

"Regina…?"

"Leave," Regina lifted the tumbler to her lips and poured the dregs of her drink into her mouth. "I didn't even invite you into my home, I will have you arrested for breaking and entering."

"You made yourself sick?"

"_No_," she hissed.

"It's not a big deal."

"I said _no_."

"C'mon, Regina. I always know when you're lying."

Regina let out a small, exasperated sigh, "no, you don't. In fact, Ms. Swan, we all know your superpower is broken. If it weren't, you would know of the pirate's tendency to lie to you by now."

"Why are you bringing Hook into this?" Regina didn't answer, so Emma continued, "I said I know when _you're_ lying, not anybody else."

"Why me?"

"I'm not sure. I just… I guess I know you pretty well, I know the way you operate," Emma held out a hand to her. "Let's go downstairs, we'll have some coffee, or tea, whatever you prefer."

Regina eyed Emma's hand, so the blonde whispered a comforting "we'll talk" to her. Although, she didn't exactly know what that even meant. She hoped Regina would get the message that they could talk about anything and she wouldn't judge. But even more so, Emma hoped Regina would talk about her and Henry, and how hard it was to leave the both of them, not just their son.

Regina reluctantly slid her hand into Emma's. She pulled herself up – with help from the edge of the bathtub and Emma – and then looked at the blonde. She pushed one side of her hair behind her ear.

"Tea," she mumbled. "Let's have tea."

Emma nodded, "tea."

It had been around twenty minutes since they made their way downstairs. Regina had insisted she made the tea, as Emma wouldn't have made it as well as she could, and to Emma's surprise, it was really good. She wasn't really a tea person; she was more of coffee kind of girl. Coffee gave her a big kick in the morning, if she had tea, she'd probably be falling asleep by nine thirty.

"Hey, I just wanted to say sorry, y'know, for not telling you we were back."

"It's quite all right, dear," Regina had sobered up a bit. "I'm aware that you had your reasons, even if they were exceptionally trivial."

"I also, uh… wanted to say thanks…"

Regina raised an eyebrow, bringing the teacup up to her lips. She blew softly on the scorching hot tea.

"For everything," Emma looked to her. "You giving me the life I always wanted with Henry… I can't thank you enough for that."

"Oh," Regina took a sip. The hot liquid slid down her throat and she couldn't help but feel a lot calmer about the vulnerable situation she was in. She didn't know how to respond, so she just nodded. Regina's eyes flickered back up to Emma's face as she heard the blonde laugh.

"No wonder I started dressing better. That was all you, wasn't it?"

"Well, I don't believe you can drift through life on two pairs of the same jeans, three _abhorrent_ leather jackets and an array of white tank tops, now, can you?"

"Who knew Regina Mills paid so much attention to what I wear?" Emma grinned, "you let me keep my red one."

"Yes, well, that one wasn't as wretched as the others. Besides, I didn't want to completely rip away your entire personality, just retouch it a little."

"And the cooking thing?"

"I didn't warm to the idea of him living on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the rest of his life."

"I can make toast too."

Regina gave her a little look that made Emma smile.

"Ah, yes, Emma Swan: the culinary genius."

"Hey," Emma nudged Regina in the side with her elbow.

Regina turned to her and raised a knowing eyebrow.

"Okay, okay. Whatever. You're right." Emma frowned, "wait. How do you know how to make all those meals?"

"At the beginning of the curse, I was… well, yes, I suppose I was a little lonely. So, I learned how to cook and bake. Those skills served me well as a mother later on in life."

"Cool. When I was lonely, I used to cause trouble. Made things more interesting." Emma motioned to the empty teacup in front of her, "that was nice, what was it?"

"Apple and cinnamon," Regina moved over to lift the teapot. She poured more of the liquid into each of their teacups. "I've found those flavours go very well together."

Emma's eyes flickered up to meet Regina's gaze.

"Emma…"

A shiver ran up Emma's spine. She always liked when Regina called her by her actual name, rather than 'Ms. Swan'. The former made her feel warm, feel safe, but the latter usually made her feel something lower in her stomach, something that she'd pushed away a long time ago.

"Yeah?"

"I must apologise for my behaviour earlier."

Emma watched as the brunette's tongue darted out from between her lips to wet them. Regina then rubbed them together and took a deep breath.

"It was unacceptable. I assure you, I hardly ever—"

"Stop."

Regina's head whipped around to look at Emma.

"You don't need to apologise, Regina. Here's the thing, I don't… know exactly what you're going through right now with Henry and everything. I can't imagine what it'd be like, but I did give him up and… yeah, I regretted it for so long. Not regretted it, because I knew he'd have a better life, but like… it upset me. He wouldn't ever be able to get to know me and I'd never get to know him."

"Yes, but—"

"What I'm saying is… after I gave him away, I went through a hard time. I started drinking a lot, I even smoked a bit, and I did anything to take my mind of the little boy I'd just abandoned." Emma shrugged slightly, "life's shitty sometimes. Things get hard and we all do our best to cope."

Regina nodded, "thank you."

"For what?" Emma smiled.

"Understanding."

"You know, it's weird that I probably wouldn't have ever met Henry if you hadn't cast the curse."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"You wouldn't have adopted Henry, Mary Margaret wouldn't have given him the book and he wouldn't have realised who I was. I kind of have you to thank, weirdly enough."

"I suppose so, but this entire thing was all part of Gold's scheme to find his son, you should thank him."

"I'm thanking you."

"Ms. Swan," Regina let out a small chuckle. "I cast a curse that devastated an entire population. If I hadn't have cast that curse, you wouldn't have been separated from your parents, you would have grown up with them."

"But then we might not have Henry."

Regina just nodded.

Emma motioned to Regina's right hand, "you can talk to me about that if you want."

"Oh, it's nothing." Regina smiled sadly, "it's just… something I used to do when I was very young…"

"Oh, right…" Emma understood why she'd acted as if she was so ashamed. "Why did you do it?"

Normally, Emma wouldn't have been so invasive, but Regina looked as if she was about to burst, as if she needed so desperately to get something out.

"When I was younger, my mother was… rather controlling, as you may know from your brief encounter with her last year. She killed Daniel and married me off only so that I would become Queen. During the years Leopold was alive, I was trapped. I could never leave the palace without either his presence or permission. I had everything, yet I had nothing – no freedom, no power, no life."

Emma listened intently, watching her every move. This clearly wasn't something Regina talked about a lot, if ever. Emma didn't really know why she was opening up to her, but she hoped this was a step forward in the right direction for them. Maybe now she and Regina could co-parent Henry, after all the curse stuff was dealt with.

"This… This _thing_, it was the only thing I had, it was the only thing I had enough power to control. It was a release and it was mine. I didn't have to share it with anyone. I didn't have to tell anybody about it. It was my little secret," Regina took a breath and smoothed out the front of her dress. "I also knew nobody would notice. Nobody… I… Nobody really noticed anything of me. They were too busy admiring the King and his daughter, of whom they all believed to be 'the fairest of them all'. Leopold liked me to be smaller – he believed the people wouldn't love me if I weren't as… well, yes. I suppose he didn't want me to take up as much space. They say women who don't take up as much space don't really matter, thus my opinions wouldn't matter."

"That's fucking horrible," Emma frowned.

"Yes, I was… nothing – the Queen of Nothing. I didn't even know who I was anymore. This… It was a habit I slipped into in my youth, a terrible one at that. Once I returned to the Enchanted Forest after sending you and Henry away, I was terribly lonely. But I deserved that fate. Yes, I suppose I had new 'friends', but I knew they wouldn't fully trust me ever again. I spent a lot of my days alone. I even… I was going to try and… well, maybe you were right to come find me tonight."

Emma locked eyes with her. A single tear fell down Regina's cheek, but she quickly wiped it away.

"I'm not very good with my emotions, Emma. Incidents in the past, in the Enchanted Forest, have proven that. I… I'm surprised I even made it the entire year without him."

"And now? Why did you… why do you do it now?"

"It was a one time thing. Circumstances haven't exactly gotten better and I'm under a lot of stress, what with the new curse and such. Everybody already believes I cast it, especially as my memories from the last year haven't disappeared, but I honestly have no information to share. I'm as stumped as everyone else."

"I know," Emma nodded. "I know you didn't cast the curse."

"You believe me?"

"Yeah, so does Mary Margaret. You wouldn't happen to know what happened in the Enchanted Forest, would you?"

Regina shook her head, "I don't."

"Nothing?"

"I spent most of my time alone, or with Robin."

"Robin?" Emma's question came out a little too fast than she wanted it to. "Who's Robin?"

"Robin Hood. Like I said, I was lonely, so I…" Regina cocked her head slightly and bit her lip.

"Oh. _Oh_." Emma couldn't help but be a little perturbed by this information, but it wasn't like she hadn't had sex with Walsh during the year.

Regina wrinkled her nose, "he smelled like forest."

"I was engaged," Emma blurted out.

"What?"

"Well, kinda engaged. Until Hook turned up."

Regina flicked her hair behind her shoulder, looking away from the blonde.

"But when I took the potion," Emma slid down from her seat at the island and moved closer to her. "The first person that came to mind was you."

Regina's eyes flickered from Emma's eyes to her lips a few times, before taking a little breath.

"Oh?" She whispered.

"I thought it was weird at first, but… I started to think about us. You and me, we…" she chickened out. "We're Henry's moms."

"Oh," her voice was dripping with disappointment. "Is that all?"

"We…" Emma looked down to her lips. "Do you ever think about us?"

Regina was used to shying away from anything she felt. She always believed something would go wrong. Nothing had ever gone her way before. She lost Daniel, Graham, her mother, and she lost Henry. She didn't want to lose Emma too.

"I don't want you to—" Regina bit her lip and gently touched Emma's hand with her own.

"Don't want me to what?"

Regina lowered her voice to a whisper, "I've lost everyone."

"You won't lose me."

"You don't know that. Everyone who has ever loved me has either been miserable, or died."

"I'm the Saviour."

"Oh," Regina let out a laugh. "So, now you'll own it?"

"Uh huh," she smirked. "The Saviour can't die."

"Well," Regina drawled, "that's not entirely true now, is it?"

"Henry said I was here to bring back all the happy endings, I'm guessing that means yours too."

Before Regina could respond, Emma leaned in and softly pressed her lips to Regina's. She had waited so long to do this, to kiss Regina, but once her lips touched hers, she forgot about the wait. All that mattered right now was this kiss. Emma stepped closer to her and wrapped her arms around Regina's waist.

Regina's hands lifted to her face, and she cupped Emma's cheek, deepening the kiss. A small moan escaped from her mouth as she gently slid her tongue in. Her free hand took hold of Emma's hair and she pressed her body up against her.

Emma's responded fervently. The kiss was soft, supple, but both yearned to be touched more. Her hand snaked down to cup her ass, pulling her even closer. Before things could get more heated, Regina pulled away. She pecked Emma's lips once and unwrapped her arms from around her neck.

"You're _so_ narcissistic."

"Shut up and kiss me."


End file.
